Birthday at Cannon Beach: Reflections on Change
Driving down the coast of Oregon, seeing flashes of the sea in between the evergreens - the leaves on tree’s beginning to make their change… all of us in preparation for a new season. My birthday falls (pun intended) right before this shift, and it’s as much of an internal one for me as it is reflected in nature around me. This year I decided to go on a birthday trip to Cannon Beach. Something about the mountains, trees, seagulls, sea….
This kind of beach is suited for my particular soul.
Misty, moody, coats, coffee.. fully clothed.
I’m awe struck by the prominent rock that sits center of the water and can be seen from every view. It quite literally took my breath away when I drove in, rounding the corner in my car on the coast - towering just outside my passenger seat window. I notice it’s striking similarities to the cut and carve of a crystal; submerged in water & sand, yet standing on its own. I made my way out of my hotel on the beach, heading toward the structure. I started walking, reflecting, contemplating with my noise cancelling headphones. Yes I know, who comes to the sea to drown out the noise. I immediately began soaking in the significance of choosing to travel here, of going solo, of also beginning to carve out a life that is my own.
Looking back 1 calendar year ago, I just moved away from Nashville. I longed to leave for years, but I spent most of my days and nights in a tug-of-war of ‘should I stay or should I go.’ I spun, I cycled, I circled - where do I belong. But, like an old worn coat, it was what I had known. Why did I feel so powerless to make empowered changes… Why did I feel so burdened to stay, so obligated…. Like the story of the elephant trained by the chain, I felt like I lost my will over time - too defeated to try. I was used to staying too long inside of what was familiar, what was familial… At this point I wasn’t really living… I was enduring…. But like the old coat that has seen the end of its days, Nashville would become a place that I had finally outworn.
In an astrology reading once, she told me that I hold onto things past their expiration date, and I guess that’s where I learned that cult like loyalty is not always a redeeming quality. If life gives you signs of a freight train coming your way, might it be in your best interest to…. not stay. But not me, I would wait - holding onto hope - only making moves when I reached an unbearable kind of threshold, going to the depths of a desperate place. And true to form…
The pain became too great for staying.
My plan last summer was just as solid as these footprints in sand. I had no way of knowing what would be unfolding… but I listed and sold my condo, packed up my things, closed out my projects for organizing - all of this just in a few short weeks. Something about seeing the boxes stacked in my now empty place, the Uhaul parked outside the 15 foot windows looking out of the same views I remembered seeing when I decided to purchase this place... fond memories and sadness came crashing in like a wave. It wasn’t what I had hoped, it didn’t deliver on it’s promise... not the condo, not the city, not the outcome - but suddenly the only thing I could remember about old coats were how many nights they kept me warm, forgetting how frayed.
“What am I doing, where am I going… should I just stay."
In the Hero’s Journey, there’s a point referred to as the ‘All is Lost’ moment where the protagonist wants to turn back, often right before the transformation. No matter how toxic, how dysfunctional, or how uncomfortable, my mind would justify anything to shrink back to what felt familiar; a cycle that for years kept me stuck, bound, feeling like there was no way out. And here it was... Luckily, in the center of my panic I knew who I could call on; someone who didn’t center their advice on what was best for them, but who I could truly rely on. My brother’s words came in like a soothing balm. “North Star. Follow your North”. Reminding me that it was time to step into the terrifying unknown - that Nashville is a *stop* along my way to a greater destination.
I bought a North Star necklace for the road ahead.
A symbol that would remind me when I forget;
it’s the purpose, not the place.
Fast forward to today - looking out at the open waters in front of me at Cannon beach. If I were to have seen this snapshot in time, I would have no way of recognizing my life. I love thinking about that idea - that if you are to take a snapshot of your life 6 months from now, a year from now - would you recognize where you are, what you’re doing, who you’re with?
Leaving was the single best thing that I did. It was the elephant who discovered its strength - and I’m so proud that I took that first step of leaving. I got a job as a flight attendant, symbolically earning my wings, now flying around the country. So far I have moved to 3 different states, and in October I’ll be moving again. I’m making decisions from empowered and not desperate places. I’m beginning to write these Honest Entries; making meaning of the past, the pain and the suffering. And last but not least, finding healing in relationships; making meaningful and lifelong friendships along the way…
Living inside of the transformation.
That’s the great mystery of the unknown. We’re driving with 2 headlights on a dark night. We can’t see the whole road, but with each mile, each step, each day - if we keep our GPS pointing Due North - we’re always making our way to our right life.